Few experiences touch the heart as tenderly as the joy—and the sorrow—of parenting. For many faithful parents, one of life’s deepest heartaches comes when a child steps away from the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Despite all that faithful and good parents do to try to raise families who love the Lord and follow his commandments, some children choose differently. When this happens, parents often experience sorrow, guilt, and even a sense of failure. Elder David A. Bednar has described this as one of the greatest heartaches a valiant Saint in Zion can suffer. (Faithful Parents and Wayward Children, Ensign, March 2013).
Scripture reassures us that even the greatest parents have known this pain. King Mosiah’s sons rebelled openly against the Church. Alma the Younger caused deep anguish to his father before repenting—and later experienced sorrow over his own son. Lehi and Sariah mourned the rebellion of Laman and Lemuel. Adam and Eve suffered the unimaginable loss of two sons when Cain murdered his brother.
Church leaders have sometimes used words such as rebellious, disobedient, or wayward to describe those who leave the Church. While today we may prefer gentler expressions such as stepped off the covenant path for now, the pain behind those words remains just as real.
Elder Boyd K. Packer offered reassurance to parents who feel helpless in the face of influences beyond their control:
“It is not uncommon for responsible parents to lose one of their children, for a time, to influences over which they have no control. … It is my conviction that those wicked influences will one day be overruled. … When parents keep the covenants they have made at the altar, their children will be forever bound to them.” (General Conference, April 1992).
Measuring Parenting Success
The plan of happiness includes agency. And that means that even members of righteous families may exercise that agency by choosing to reject the gospel. That truth, though painful, helps us understand that a child’s choices are not a simple measure of parental worthiness. Despite the very best efforts of righteous parents, President Howard W. Hunter reminded parents that imperfection is part of mortality:
“Surely our Heavenly Father knows, when He entrusts His spirit children into the care of young and inexperienced parents, that there will be mistakes and errors in judgment.” (General Conference, October 1983)
Parents often—and unfairly—measure their success by outward outcomes: Church activity, missions served, or visible faithfulness. President James E. Faust taught that good parents are those who have lovingly and prayerfully tried to teach by example, even if some children choose otherwise.
He also warned against judging others:
“It is very unfair and unkind to judge conscientious and faithful parents because some of their children rebel or stray from the teachings and love of their parents. Fortunate are the couples who have children and grandchildren who bring them comfort and satisfaction. We should be considerate of those worthy, righteous parents who struggle and suffer with disobedient children.” (General Conference, April 2003)
Elder Dallin H. Oaks counseled parents to set down the burden of guilt and trust in the redeeming power of the Atonement.
“It’s always so unfortunate when parents carry a burden of guilt throughout their adult lives for every decision their children have made. We never, never, never give up. …I say to my fellow adult parents and grandparents, keep praying, keep trying, but set down that large burden of guilt because people given the power of choice are going to make wrong choices. Sometimes the only way some people can learn is to make a wrong choice and see the consequence of it. Then we rely on the incredible power of the Atonement of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” (Worldwide Leadership Training Meeting, 9 February 1998.)
The Power of Covenants
Many wonder how sealings and covenantal promises are affected when a family member withdraws from Church activity. There is an oft-quoted statement from Elder Orson F Whitney of the Quorum of 12 Apostles in which he refers to a teaching of Joseph Smith. There is no direct record of what the Prophet Joseph said, only Elder Whitney’s report of it. Elder Whitney was not born until 11 years after Joseph’s martyrdom so we do not know how accurate Elder Whitney’s report is.
Elder Whitney urged parents not to give up on their children:
“The Prophet Joseph Smith declared—and he never taught more comforting doctrine—that the eternal sealings of faithful parents and the divine promises made to them for valiant service in the Cause of Truth, would save not only themselves, but likewise their posterity. Though some of the sheep may wander, the eye of the Shepherd is upon them, and sooner or later they will feel the tentacles of Divine Providence reaching out after them and drawing them back to the fold (Conference Report ,April 1929.)
This statement has brought comfort to countless parents, but it has also raised questions. How can sealing power operate without violating agency?
Elder David A Bednar said that some have misconstrued Elder Whitney’s statement and other statements by Church leaders to say that children are automatically and unconditionally saved by their parents’ sealing.
“The “tentacles of Divine Providence” described by Elder Whitney may be considered a type of spiritual power, a heavenly pull or tug that entices a wandering child to return to the fold eventually. Such an influence cannot override the moral agency of a child but nonetheless can invite and beckon. Ultimately, a child must exercise his or her moral agency and respond in faith, repent with full purpose of heart, and act in accordance with the teachings of Christ.” (Faithful Parents and Wayward Children, Ensign, March 2013)
Elder Whitney went on to talk about a price that would have to be paid:
“Either in this life or the life to come, they will return. They will have to pay their debt to justice; they will suffer for their sins; and may tread a thorny path; but if it leads them at last, like the penitent Prodigal, to a loving and forgiving father’s heart and home, the painful experience will not have been in vain. Pray for your careless and disobedient children; hold on to them with your faith. Hope on, trust on, till you see the salvation of God.”(Conference Report April 1929.)
President James E. Faust explained that the sealing power works through repentance and the Atonement of Jesus Christ—not around them:
“If the repentance of wayward children does not happen in this life, is it still possible for the cords of the sealing to be strong enough for them yet to work out their repentance?..Mercy will not rob justice, and the sealing power of faithful parents will only claim wayward children upon the condition of their repentance and Christ’s Atonement….The question as to who will be exalted must be left to the Lord in His mercy.…Perhaps in this life we are not given to fully understand how enduring the sealing cords of righteous parents are to their children. It may very well be that there are more helpful sources at work than we know. I believe there is a strong familial pull as the influence of beloved ancestors continues with us from the other side of the veil.” (General Conference, April 2003)
I like the thought that parents are not alone. Our children are also the Lord’s children and He has His eye on them. Also it is comforting to know that our ancestors on the other side of the veil are also exerting an influence.
President Lorenzo Snow said:
“ If you succeed in passing through these trials and afflictions and receive a resurrection, you will, by the power of the Priesthood, work and labour, as the Son of God has, until you get all your sons and daughters in the path of exaltation and glory. This is just as sure as that the sun rose this morning over yonder mountains. .… Inasmuch as we succeed in securing eternal glory, and stand as saviours, and as kings and priests to our God, we will save our posterity.” (Collected Discourses)
In more recent times President Henry B. Eyring gave this assurance:
“My message ….to all of us trying to forge eternal families, is that there is joy guaranteed for the faithful. From before the world was, a loving Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son loved and worked with those who They knew would wander. God will love them forever.” (General Conference, October 2013.)
With a similar thought Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf reframed the parable of the lost sheep as a testimony of God’s relentless love:
“Over the centuries, this parable has traditionally been interpreted as a call to action for us to bring back the lost sheep and to reach out to those who are lost. While this is certainly appropriate and good, I wonder if there is more to it. .. Is it possible that the Saviour’s message was that God is fully aware of those who are lost – and that He will find them, that He will reach out to them, and that He will rescue them?….To me, the parable of the lost sheep is one of the most hopeful passages in all scripture.” (General Conference, April 2016).
President Russell M Nelson taught of the power of covenants:
“Once we make a covenant with God, we leave neutral ground forever. God will not abandon His relationship with those who have forged such a bond with Him. In fact, all those who have made a covenant with God have access to a special kind of love and mercy.” (General Conference, October 2022)
Counsel for the Journey
Church leaders consistently offer wise counsel for parents walking this difficult road:
- Be patient and loving.
Even though our loved ones may reject our values and teachings we must be careful not to reject our loved ones.
Elder John K Carmack taught that:
“Once … children grow up, the time may come when we will need to adjust our present expectations and approach, accepting things as they are rather than continuing in turmoil. We should not expect perfection in our children but, rather adopt, in patience and love, the Lord’s eternal view of things.” (When Our Children Go Astray, Ensign, February 1997).
A key phrase here is ‘the Lord’s eternal view of things.’ It seems to be human nature to want quick fixes. We want things to be changed now but the Lord works to His own timetable…and it may be that that timetable extends into the next life. Elder Dallin H Oaks taught:
“We cannot have true faith in the Lord without also having complete trust in the Lord’s will and in the Lord’s timing.” (Timing, BYU Speeches, January 2002.)
President Gordon B. Hinckley gave an uplifting promise:
“I leave my blessing upon you. May there be . . . a sense of security and peace and love among your children, precious children every one of them, even those who may have strayed. I hope you don’t lose patience with them; I hope you go on praying for them, and I don’t hesitate to promise that if you do, the Lord will touch their hearts and bring them back to you with love and respect and appreciation.” (Remarks at a fireside in Crawley, England, reported in Church News 2 September 1995.)
2. Honour agency.
Remember that we cannot and should not try to take away the individual agency of any of our loved ones. Our adult children may not respond the way that we would like them to, but we must still allow them their agency.
Elder Robert D Hales said:
“A child, even one raised with great love and care and carefully taught, may choose, when an adult, not to follow those teachings for a variety of reasons. How should we react? We understand and respect the principle of agency. We pray that life’s experiences will help them regain their desire and ability to live the gospel. They are still our children, and we love and care about them always. We do not lock the doors of our home nor the doors to our heart.” (General Conference, October 1993)
President Howard W Hunter reminded us that ‘God’s chief way of acting is by persuasion and patience and long-suffering, not by coercion and stark confrontation.’ (General Conference, October 1989).
Elder M. Russell Ballard offered perhaps the most practical advice of all. He was asked: ‘If I have family or friends who are less active, how far do I go in my attempts to bring them back?’ He responded:
“My answer is please do not preach to them! Your family members or friends already know the Church’s teachings. They don’t need another lecture! What they need – what we all need – is love and understanding, not judging. Share your positive experiences of living the gospel. The most powerful thing you can do is share your spiritual experiences with family and friends. Also, be genuinely interested in their lives, their successes, and their challenges. Always be warm, gentle, loving and kind.” (BYU Speech, November 2017)
3. Never give up hope.
It is easy to get discouraged and lose hope that our loved ones will ever return to the covenant path. President J Reuben Clark of the First Presidency said:
“It is my hope and belief that the Lord never permits the light of faith wholly to be extinguished in any human heart, however faint the light glow may be. The Lord has provided that there shall still be there a spark which, with teaching, with the spirit of righteousness, with love, with tenderness, with example, with living the gospel, shall brighten and glow again however darkened the mind might have been.” (Conference Report, October 1936)
We can take comfort from the thought that this spark, however feeble, still glows within those we love. The spark may be so small that the person does not even know that it is there. But at some future date, with the right circumstances it can be fanned into a flame. The Lord is watching over us and our families.
Sister Tamara W Runia said:
“It’s the Savior’s work to bring our loved ones back. It’s His work and His timing. It is our work to provide the hope and a heart they can come home to.” (General Conference, October 2023)
President Henry B Eyring offered this promise:
“No matter the outcome, all will be well because of temple covenants.” (General Conference, April 2024)
4. Stay faithful
Elder David A Bednar taught:
“Parents who honour temple covenants are in a position to exert great spiritual influence over time on their children. Faithful members of the Church can find comfort in knowing that they can lay claim to the promises of divine guidance and power, through the inspiration of the Holy Ghost and the privileges of the priesthood, in their efforts to help family members receive the blessings of salvation and exaltation.”(Faithful Parents and Wayward Children, Ensign, March 2013)
Elder Henry B Eyring spoke of the legacy of faithful parents:
“There is reason for us to have great optimism. It comes first from our testimony of the nature of our Heavenly Father: he loves our family members; He is their Heavenly Father as well as ours. It also comes from our testimony of the mission of Jesus Christ: he paid the price to redeem them. And it comes from the testimony of priesthood keys. Because of that, the power is on earth again to make covenants with God that seal families together, covenants which God honours. That is why we must not despair.” (A Legacy of Testimony, April 1996).
There is much that we do not understand and much that we must leave to the love and mercy of the Lord. It is clear, however, that any power to save our children will be greatest when parents make and keep covenant promises.
A Promise of Peace
For parents who ache, hope remains. God knows your children. He loves them even more than you do. And He is still at work. In the words of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland,
“Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.” (General Conference, October 1999).
Elder Patrick Kearon reminded s that God’s intent is to bring all of His children home.
“Jesus’s will is the benevolent Father’s will! He wants to make it possible for every last one of His Father’s children to receive the end goal of the plan—eternal life with Them. None is excluded from this divine potential.” (General Conference, April 2024)
Moses 1:39 teaches us that it is God’s glory to bring to pass the eternal life of His children.
The Lord’s words through Jeremiah speak directly to grieving parents:
“Refrain thy voice from weeping, and thine eyes from tears: for thy work shall be rewarded, saith the Lord; and they shall come again from the land of the enemy” (Jeremiah 31:16–17).
And the Savior Himself offers this assurance:
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you… Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:27).
